In life there are so many firsts.  First date, first love, first baby… theses firsts layer up to form memories and experiences that help define our life and our values.

While we have made many changes in the past few years, and experienced MANY firsts, I am currently smack dab in the middle of a big one.  A life defining one. A huge first LEAP that I maybe wasn’t totally prepared to experience just yet.

This will be a reoccurring first I imagine, but this week it is the first of the first.

My children, for the last dozen years, have been just that; children. They have been young, and needy and stayed close to home. They had overnights with grandparents and sleepovers at friends, and my eldest even went 2 nights to a sleep away camp.

All of this I survived.  It was easy. The time passed quickly and they were so close at hand that if I needed to, I could find them within hours.  They were still within my grasp, or at least it felt like they were. I was still in charge, and still there, able to protect and react and support them.

Until now.

My little girl is not so little any more. At 12 she has taken off to the other side of the country for an 8 day experience with her class.  She hasn’t just “left the nest” she has flown to a whole other time zone.

It didn’t actually hit me about what what happening until her last school meeting. We went over the ferry rides, plane rides, bus schedule. The packing list, and flight times were there and suddenly it all hit me.  As the teacher was running through the process, I started to get nervous and queazy.  This couldn’t be ok?  I can’t just let her go can I?

I jokingly said she should just stay home…. maybe partially meaning it, but also knowing there was no way that was going to happen.

We packed her bag: twice. We checked her carry on, and filled her with snacks, tips and money.

I worried through every step.

And then, we let her go.

We just let her go.  She caught the plane, she travelled across the country and I was fine.

There are firsts in our life that are nerve wracking and overwhelming. Firsts we DON’T want to experience, but know that if and when we do it will be better for all involved.  First breakups, first losses, first failures.  They all define us, make us who we are.

I let go of a tween today and allowed her to take a chance on an amazing experience and opportunity, and we both survived. I know each time I let her go she will go a little farther, but I can only trust that when she does, she will also come home a stronger, more confident person. A person who is sure of who she is because she had the trust of her family to go forth and find it.

And I wait at home. Wait for that 5am text (because she always forgets the time change) and for the evening Skype calls where all she wants to do is have us beside her, not talking, just with her.  I wait until, a few days from now, she will arrive home and I can FINALLY exhale the breath I have been holding for a week.

I wait until she has the chance to go off again…

Because that is what life is about. Firsts. Over and over again.