I went off island this week, back to the Big scary city, back to networks and people.  I had an ikea list a mile long and a day packed full of connections, lunches and meetings.

As my feet hit the mainland, I felt like an imposter. The changes over the weeks make me feel like I “have no right” to be here.

But, I still went.

I went with my belly tied in knots and my breath short in my chest. Because of the changes, and my worries about boundaries & expectations & hurt feelings, I tried to focus my attention and have meetings with people who I have a heart connection with, instead of a business connection. And later that day, with a belly full of food, cleaned-up eyebrows and a little more courage under my loose fitting pants, I attended the business event I had actually made the mainland effort for. Nerves in a jumble (yes, OMG I still get nervous at every single one of these events) I put on my brave smile and walked in.

I did feel like I had some “splaining” to do about my recent business changes, but I confidently held on to the fact that without knowing where I am planning to go with my “career”  there would be no context to understand my change of heart.

So, instead, I kept smiling, I drank wine and I listened.

There were a few moments though, a few moments of awkward panic, and then a few moments of elation. I talked previously about how the little things can leave you feeling lost  and it was when I was being introduced at an event that one of those little things hit me again.  Because how do you professionally introduce someone who hasn’t defined what she is doing?  I was introduced over and over again as “Julie who does….. what exactly are you doing now Julie?” To which I responded with a smile and a laugh and an “oh… haha, not much”

And for a person that has always felt lost without a definition behind her, it was painful. It was, well, it was minimizing.

Cause I was just there as me. Just me, no business, no prospects, no hidden objectives.  Just me.

As I left the event I was again introduced by someone… but this time I was introduced as “Julie, she is an independent explorer”

Yes, that’s it, isn’t it.  We define ourselves in so many ways, and I think, possibly for the first time in my life, I am ready to be defined as “Just me”

Me, in all my quirky ways. Me, with a brain full of thoughts and ideas. Me… simply Me.

So I left the mainland a little different than I arrived.  The nerves still in a bit of a jumble knowing that I had completely cut my safety net of working in a team, but also with a chest brimming with excitement and confidence knowing that sometimes stepping off the trail is the best way to find somewhere new to go.

And I went home, with a car full of Ikea and a week without the hubby (who’s work has exploded.. what timing!) I went home with a brain full of ideas and a concept beginning to be defined.  I went home ready, and full of patience to allow things to unfold as they will.

But best of all…. I went home.