This summer I had a great friend come over and help me “clear” my wardrobe. I had piles of too small, rippped and destroyed, or “omg, do NOT wear that! EVER” clothes that was stuffed into black garbage bags to be donated (or destroyed)
I was left with the good stuff. The stuff that I liked, and that liked me, but it wasn’t much.
She gave me instructions “Just go and get some great staples”. I needed things like t-shirts (I have ONE) and shorts (one pair that fits….) and other basic items. I needed to stop wearing my husbands hand-me-down-oversized-grey-costco-hoodie.
This was such a great plan. I could do this.
But it never happened and now, months later, I am sitting here, in my husbands hand-me-down-oversized-grey-costco-hoodie again. It has been 4 months, and I have not purchased a single item of clothing.
Oh wait- I bought a two-pack of leggings from Costco (but I don’t think that counts)
My wardrobe doesn’t make me feel good. It doesn’t make me feel comfortable, and it sure as heck doesn’t make me feel pretty.
Aging sucks people, but there are ways to do it with style and grace and beauty… I just haven’t found it yet.
I have a friend, Christine, who always looks amazing. She has the awesome bohemian surfer hair, and her style totally suits her age (40-plus-a-few) but also works with what is “in” now. She is elegant, comfortable and dead sexy. It looks like she just “tossed” a few items together as she tousled her locks, running out of the house with total organization and class.
Now, I know she didn’t, cause I know Christine, but DAMN, she LOOKS like she has it all together.
I see in her what I would LIKE to look like, but have no idea how to get it. My locks don’t “tousle”, nor does my “look” come off as comfortable and easy. It is more “work-from-home-chicken-farmer” than anything else.
I know I need to do something about it though, not just for my self esteem but also for my relationship. Making an effort to look better makes me feel better, and as “cute’ as I am with bed head wearing a hoodie, it aint “sexy”. And at 41 I want to be sexy… even sometimes.
So I tried to shop.
And it isn’t them, its me. I just don’t GET the clothes these days. I don’t understand the cut outs, or crop tops and WHAT THE HELL IS THAT BIG LUMP STICKING OUT UNDER MY BELLY BUTTON??
Where did my hips go and have my boobs always looked like that?
Where is that pulled-together-mature-and devastatingly-gogeous-41 year old woman that I always WANTED to be? What happened to her?
And the cost. Oh the cost. It seems like it is all MORE expensive than it has ever been. I have always been cheap, but ugh $120 for a sweater? It is breaking my heart. I am logical at my roots, so every dollar I spend I always think back to what ELSE I could use it for? Fruit trees for the orchard, a holiday for the family? We need more dirt… we always need more dirt. I would love to re-do the sun room… maybe this sweater could be a new chair instead?
So I come home, a pile of clothing left on the counter with my confidence and I curl up into the hubbies old hoodie again, now stained from last nights dinner.
It is a vicious circle of expense, confidence and purpose that I can’t seem to get myself out of. I want to find the REASON for these purchases, and have it be something other than vanity.
So, today I will try again. This time I will shower, dry my hair and pop on some makeup. Ill wear something I feel good in… and not my stained Uggs and slouchy jeans. I will allow myself to crack open the visa card, knowing that I do work hard, and yes I CAN afford it. To compensate, I won’t buy wine this month.
I will tell myself I am not vain. That clothing is a necessary evil… no I won’t say that, that makes it a negative yet again. I will say that I am smart, I am successful and people know that and god dammit, I should dress like I feel.
Yes. That’s what I’ll say. . .
Send me strength. I’m going in.