The last few weeks I have been a little awkward and uncomfortable, mostly because I have been a bit sad. And a bit scared.  This has caused me to retreat and remove myself from something I love and that fills my life with joy.

But, today I confronted it. I forced myself to deal with reality and NOT let it affect the way I felt on a day to day basis.

A few months ago we lost some chickens to illness.  It was sad and scary, and the fear I felt when visiting the coop, wondering if anyone else was going to get sick was overwhelming.

We lost some hens we loved, many whom I have shared here on the blog and in instagram, and there was no easy solution to what to do about it.

It isn’t that we are bad chicken owners, or that we did anything wrong, but the realities of raising a backyard flock mean that wild birds fly in and can bring their nastiness.  The amount of research and money put into resolving chicken illness is (obviously) very low. They are considered a disposable animal, so why invest into fixing them in they have a sniffle?

This realization was difficult for me to accept, so I searched for solutions.

But I also removed myself from my flock.

I stopped being the one to let them out in the mornings, or put them to bed. I was too scared to come across a sick bird, so I figured denial would save me.

I stopped visiting during the day. I stopped sitting among my flock, or working in the garden with hens at my feet.

I changed my life to AVOID the thing that was bothering, vs admitting that I COULDN’T fix it, not today anyway.

Until I did.

I went and sat among my flock the other day. They are happy and healthy. It doesn’t mean that more won’t pass, or that new diseases won’t arrive (damn you wild birds) or that others won’t die from old age this winter. It does mean that just because they might, I shouldn’t expect them to today.

It is hard to live among animals that have little to no support in the world. A veterinarian won’t allow most sick birds INTO their office since avian diseases mostly have no cure.  It is “cull” as a treatment… and that breaks my heart.

But, I will continue to surround myself with them. I invited our flock up to the main house today so they could help “tame” the fall grass and search through my finished flower beds for bugs.  To look out the windows and see them there filled my soul a little bit. To know that my friends were still there, even though I changed a little bit over these past weeks, and that I might be more tentative towards them.

It’s silly. I know that, but deciding to love something that causes me pain is hard, except when I realize it brings me more joy than sadness.