I always figured I would be a “cool” mom. I have always raised my kids to be fairly independent, and never really hovered or over protected them. At least, I thought thats what was happening.
I had a chance last week to play it cool, and I totally failed. Failed with fireworks, and and strobe lights. Failed to the extent that all week I have been replaying my epic moment in my mind, and while I am sure it embarrassed my daughter, I think it has embarrassed me just as much.
My eldest is almost 13 and this year we sent her on a 1 week kayaking camp. She would spend the 7 days camping and kayaking around the gulf islands with 9 other kids from around the world. It was one of those “life changing” opportunities that are so formative to our foundation. To be thrust with multi age kids, from a variety of backgrounds and locations, to bond and work together. Both my husband and I said that if she didn’t want to go, WE WOULD (although that would be weird right?)
She had gear lists, and we spent the week packing her up with dry backs and SPF clothing. As the day drew closer we went over and over the basics. Don’t get hurt, listen, have fun, look around you, and for goodness sake, REMEMBER THE SUN SCREEN.
Out west here we are in the heat of our summer, which means 30+ days, and with our english peach spending all day on the water we were mostly concerned with her getting burned. She is the kid that never really gets a “base” and an hour out in the sun turns her pink and pained.
The day of I drove her to the drop off, more nervous that I anticipated. I was sure she was going to be fine, and confident she would have an amazing time, but what about ME?
The camp was “no tech”. We had no way to contact them, to check in or touch base. While it is amazing for our kids to spend this week in nature, it was going to be a huge problem for me not to touch base with her.
We approached drop off, we went over things again. I told her I was proud.
So far, so good.
We walked down, gear bags in hand, and entered the group, me hanging back as much as possible to allow her to take the lead.
(note: here is when my motherly instincts started to amplify. What I really wanted to do was take my little girl by the hand and get her sorted. First sign of trouble really…)
Everything was good. I was behaving, I was playing it cool. I was acting confident and easy, the best of moms. She stored her gear, and we went over the paperwork (really, my ONLY job) and then, it was done. I was supposed to leave.
But I couldn’t leave.
How COULD I leave?
Leave my little baby girl (even if she IS 5’9) alone with these strangers? Leave her to paddle and camp and get into god know what horrible circumstance??? Nope. No Way. Not gonna happen. I’ll just hang right here thank you very much.
And I did. And it got awkward. I KNEW it was getting weird, but I couldn’t LEAVE. My feet wouldn’t move, and I got less and less and less cool as the seconds ticked by.
Eventually she said “Okay. By Mom” which I took as a cue that she wanted me to STAY WITH HER FOREVER.
So, I stayed a bit. Made small talk.
Become a total loser really.
And soon there was nothing left to do but walk away or stuff her back inside my uterus.
I started to go, and I could see the relief in her eyes (or was it sadness and pain???) and right before I was too far away to come back, I turned.
And I said, in front of the ENTIRE group how my darling girl has english skin from her father, and while we have packed a lot of sunscreen and told her to layer up, it would be great if they could keep an eye out for her.
🙂
I thought to myself “Good mom. Very good mom. You took care of your little girl there. Whew! Now, she will be sure to be safe”.
I trotted myself off after that, feeling rather proud of my parenting abilities, until I heard one of the councillors say “Ah, moms. They always do that don’t they! They just go too far! ” and I realized I was the worst.
The absolute worst.
I had a chance to play it cool and I didn’t. I couldn’t.
My girl survived the week. In fact she thrived. She came home the same, yet different. And over that week perhaps I let her go a little more each day. I missed her (okay, I PINED for her) and I realized this is only going to get worse. She is going to go farther, and be away longer. She is going to live this life completely independent of ME and I need to just believe that she can.
But, I’ll keep packing sunscreen in her bag for a few more years if thats okay with you.