I am sitting here, by the fire, as the three kids play upstairs, and I am lost in thought.  Hubby has been away working for two weeks and is back tonight.

Thank god.  He is back tonight.

It was a rough week. Every one of the three battled colds this week. The two year old finished us off today, pushed me to the edge as I operated as a human couch for 5 hours while he coughed through Diego… needless to say, my Spanish is excellent now.

I am sitting here, by the fire, lost in thought. As I hear the kids playing upstairs and feel the exhaustion seep in, I am trying to think back to what it was like before I had kids.

It was only 9 years ago, surely I can grasp a moment, a feeling, a little memory.

But there is nothing. It seems my life before kids has vanished.

I don’t remember what it was like to come home to a house empty of other humans, small messy humans.

I don’t remember what I did with myself on a day off, or in the evening or god forbid a whole weekend.

I don’t remember any of it, it’s just gone.

It’s not that I am pining for my life before kids, not at all. It just that today I am beat. Today they got the better of me and I was hoping to escape into a little memory for a moment.

Funnily enough, not being able to remember has had the desired affect.   I know I wouldn’t trade these little people for anything, I know these days are more filled with life than ever before. I know I will look back and crave the exhaustion I am feeling as my kids grow up and become more independent. I know all this, and it fills me with a little bit of peace and gratitude that I am not in a cold apartment,  eating microwave noodles, or slipping on heels my in attempts to find mr. right.

It gives me enough energy to drag myself off this chair and start making the cookies I have bribed the kids with (“go upstairs and play and I will make you cookies”: cause and affect more than a bribe really)

And I know hubby will be home tonight, and tomorrow I will have the opportunity for a bit of a sleep in.

I also know that when I hear them all in the kitchen at 7am, I will refuse sleep for family.  I will roll out of bed, grab a coffee and wrap myself in my people.

These are the days I will remember… these ones, filled with exhaustion, tears and so much laughter.  These ones right here.

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