I am a sucker for an online test that will help me “define” who I am.  That with a few clicks and some thoughtfully answered questions, I am able to be provided with a definition of my skills, my strengths and my passions, all laid out tidily in a short paragraph.

Each time they scroll past my newsfeed, I click “play now”, possibly in the hopes that it will bring me one step closer to understanding myself, or maybe it is because I am yearning for an answer of a question I have not yet asked.

Each time, I get the results, and they are who I know I am.  There are no surprises. No epiphanies. These silly personality tests do nothing.

Except to confirm that yes, I do know who I am.  I know my strengths (and weaknesses) intimately, and as much as (somedays) I would like the answers on that test to be different, I am exactly who I am.

At 40+ I am now able to understand that my personality sometimes isn’t exactly what I want it to be, or need it to be at that moment, but there is no sense in fighting it and forcing myself along a path I know won’t work out.  I know what I need, and no amount of social persuasion, begging or threats will make me sway off of that path.

And while this is a trait in myself that I admire, it is also the one that makes me click that test button every time.

Knowing yourself is a wonderful thing, but what I sometimes long for is the ability to know that even though something may not be good for ME, it is still something good.

These tests may define me as compassionate, but never do they say empathetic.  They say I take on challenges and find solutions for others, but not that I am self sacrificing.

They say I am a survivor. That I am strategic. I plan ahead. I make decisions based on logic and instinct, but not emotion.

And yes, these are all great things, useful things, and I am thankful that these tests also confirm that I am not prone to depression (there is no logic in depression) and that I never falter over making a decision.  I am lucky that who I am has allowed me to be confident in myself, fearless in my path, and sure of my choices.

But, a part of me longs to be that person who will talk to the driver for an 8 hour car journey, just because.  To be the person who hugs and lets their friend cry, without offer solutions and “next steps”    To be the type of person who doesn’t think about the consequences, EVERY SINGLE TIME.

Because being logical, and strategic is not something easily turned off, and while it is “useful” it can also be a little bit lonely.

I know I am not the friend you turn to for a hug and crazy cry fest (there is no crying here)  I understand that even though I wish I could be convinced to be reckless and spontaneous, logic will always prevail.  So, I will sit back, rolling my pencil between my fingers, and understand that each of us has a mixture of traits that bring both positive and negative things to our life, and that no matter how many times we click those “test me now” buttons, the answer will always be the same.  Our instincts, who we are, can grow and adapt, but the baseline definition of our soul will stay the same.

I guess there is nothing left to do, but to embrace that.